my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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