Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
