we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
