FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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