Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
