Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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