if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
