I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
