so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
