I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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