The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
