I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
