my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?