Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab