First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
