guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're making bets on your personal life
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
