i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
