i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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