Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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