I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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