this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
