the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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