apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
