the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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