he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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