youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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