I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
honey bunches of taint.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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