Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everything about him screamed your future.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
