Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
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I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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