So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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