sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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