You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
