I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
