stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
