my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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