i just wanna soil my oats bro
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
