yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
