I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
