you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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