wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
