I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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