Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
