Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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