There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i out mim tonsoeep
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