I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she peed on how many people?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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