someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
