I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
