i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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