Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
