My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
