I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
