Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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