I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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