you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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