My friends, they love my intelligence
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
